One of my favorite writers these days is a dude named Steven Church. His debut, The Guinness Book of Me : A Memoir of Record came out, no joke, on April Fool's of this year. It's a darkly comic and powerfully imagined work. In fact, I just compiled my top ten favorite book list of 2005 for the Books-A-Million's Fall catalog and Steven's book was at the top the stack. How can you not love a book about a kid who is so big and scary and alienated that he has to live through his Guinness Book of World Records? I think there’s a bit of that kid in all of us. Anyway, it's a brilliant book and it will break world records for you, I promise.
Since Steven just lost his book tour virginity recently, I thought he might offer me some insight about what it's like to go from doe-eyed virgin to hardened pro. So I asked him 11 questions and he gave me 11 answers.
1) What cities did you tour and why? I started out here in Colorado, hitting the CSU Bookstore (I work at Colorado State U.. Lots of friends, teachers, students, janitors, etc.) and The Tattered Cover in Denver (one of the coolest Indy Bookstores in the WORLD), then made my way to my hometown of Lawrence, Kansas and nearby Kansas City (great crowd. lots o' love), where I got to appear on the radio talk show hosted by Walt Bodine, the King of Kansas City Radio and TV, who is confined to a wheel chair, almost entirely blind and hearing impaired--but still sharp as hell. Then it was off to Phoenix (Mom lives there), San Francisco (I just wanted to go there), Seattle (old friends, cool city), and Portland (old friends, cool city. Wordstock Festival 2005!!!! Yes, Phil Lesh was there.)
These were all the places I had listed on my massive Simon & Schuster Publicity Questionnaire and promised that I'd bring crowds to . . . I also told them that I'd sleep in my car if I had to. It came close to that. They did spring for one really nice hotel in San Fran, The Clift ( a Five-Star place that was just nuts).
2) Who was your favorite bookseller that you met? Geez, that's hard . . . . the Books Inc. store in San Fran (Castro District, no less!) really did it up nice with a window display and everything . . . the ladies with The Raven in my hometown, Lawrence are awesome. They were all excited. I think we sold their whole stock and they took orders for more . . .
3) Any gastrointestinal distress, irritability, sleeplessness, or difficulty operating heavy machinery due to touring or signing? I don't like to fly. Mild claustrophobia. I don't sleep well in strange places. So yes, plenty of the above. But nothing to complain about. Fortunately, the heavy machinery was operated mostly by others, particularly The Humboldt Hillbilly (my forest friend from NoCal) and an Armenian cab driver or two. My wife, Rachel, did get a speeding ticket in Portland--a THREE HUNDRED dollar speeding ticket!!! for chrissakes. OK, so they don't have any goddamn sales tax or whatever, but they bend you over and plunge your cavities for spare change.
4) For the tour, did you buy one of those Kabbalah Center red strings to tie around your wrist like Madonna to ward off the evil eye? I actually wear a men's cologne called "Evil Eye." It smells of cinnamon, burnt lumber, raw meat, with a touch of fennel and sage.
5) What's your advice to an author who's about to lose his or her book tour virginity? Be prepared for the following statement from a long-haired truck-driver sipping on a Big Gulp: Hey man, like I'm going to have to put your book on another shelf 'cause I have one whole shelf full of my Star Wars books--all 65 of them!! (actually happened to me)
If you're doing any TV spots, don't expect them to say something like, "OK, Mr. C___. You will soon be on the television. We will not tell you where to look or how long you can expect to be on camera. The man who interviews you will be very tan and will not have read your book. He may mention this. He will be short and have freakishly small hands. You should not swing your eyeballs around wildly in their sockets. Pick something, anything, and focus your attention. Speak clearly. Don't mumble or stutter. Understand? OK, break a leg!" None of this will be said to you. Be prepared.
6) When was the last time you ate Pop Rocks? Have you ever eaten them
with a warm Coca-Cola? OK, that's just weird. How did you know? I am currently in a writing group with Todd Mitchell, the grandson of William Mitchell, the chemist who invented Pop Rocks--as well as Tang, Cool Whip, Grape Nuts, and a bunch of other crazy shit. Todd's grandpa was, by all accounts, a wonderfully eccentric genius who got little or no money/fame/credit, etc. as a "grunt" chemist for General Foods. OK, so what if a couple of kids had their heads explode? That doesn't mean his legacy should be defamed with such outlandish charges . . . . BTW William Mitchell died last year and The Atlantic ran an obit. Pretty cool . . . Oh, and Todd is a dynamite Young Adult novelist who just sold his first book to Scholastic (JK Rowling's editor!).
7) Did you read swear words in front of children? Yes, I must confess I did. I read them in front of my 9 yr. old half-brother. I also read the following line repeatedly, "I wanted to tell her she looked like John Denver with boobs." Even old ladies seem to think that's funny.
8) If you were going to try to break a world record what would it be? I actually proposed recently to the Guinness World Records Organization (see my blog) that I would eat a copy of the 2005 Anniversary Edition in 7 days, documenting every part of the process and keeping an online recipe journal. They rejected my request.
9) What's the weirdest question you've gotten so far about the book?
Hmmm . . . the weirdest segue was definitely on Hank Booth's radio show in Lawrence. He went from talking about birthing a calf on his farm to introducing me as someone who "grew up in Lawrence and wrote a book. But the most common question is the one that always feels the weirdest:
"So, what's it about?"
"Shit, I don't know. You tell me. It's a memoir by a 33 yr. old self-obsessed "troubled man with way too much free time" (Washington Post Book World)."
10) Any long lost friends/coworkers/exes wanting to "reconnect and talk to you about their book ideas" as a result of having a book published?
There's been a few reconnections, people crawling out of the woodwork--mostly old friends from school. And lots of people ask if they can send me stuff to read. I almost always say, "yes," but very few actually take me up on it . . . probably because I tell them right up front how painfully slow I can be in responding and that I may forget about their piece altogether . . . I love it when people say, "I think I'll write a book some day," as if it's like going whitewater rafting or something and you just need a little time and money and the right guide. I always say, "Yeah, you should do that. It's easy and fun."
11) Cake or Pie? Pie. Of course. Ever since I was a kid, my requested birthday desert has ALWAYS been coconut cream pie. I mean, cake is nice and all, but it ain't pie.
